Sunday 18 September 2011

...it's Juggler

Life hit me full pelt this morning when I walked into the boy’s room to the smell of vomit.  After a lovely weekend away for my Mum’s wedding, the Monday I had planned was giving the boy to a friend while I worked and unpacked.  He had other plans, as did my cats.  The morning was instead spent cleaning up the boy, his room, then the living room and kitchen where the cats, not wanting to be left out, had thrown up all over the rug.  I managed to squeeze in the unpacking and a bit of work too of course!
I am a mother and I work part-time.  It’s a very personal choice and what suits some doesn’t suit others so this blog isn’t about judging anyone’s decision.  I am racked with guilt, but my guilt doesn’t lie with the lack of time I spend with the boy, it’s the guilt I feel about neglecting my own career.  I am lucky I can work most of my hours when the boy is sleeping, which some would say means I get the best of both worlds.  (Sometimes it is, but sometimes I feel like I’m working two full time jobs.)  But I don’t have a ‘career’ anymore.  I’m just working.  I get to be a ‘stay at home mum’ to the boy which is what I want, and I love it.  But sometimes I want my career back.
At the moment I have paused, who knows when I will start climbing that ladder again and will it be too late?  I’m regularly reminded of my impending middle-age and how behind my career is by other women my age with amazing, well-paid jobs.  How do these women do it and where did I go wrong?!
Unfortunately the decision itself – to work or stay at home isn’t as easy as it first appears.  Childcare, maternity leave, money, guilt all hold more weight than my desire to do well.  The three options as I see them are; be a full-time stay at home mum and be poor (obviously I don’t mean everyone who has this option is poor, but it would mean we were), work part-time which means juggling money and childcare, the career doesn’t work part-time but at least you’ve got a toe in the door.  The final option is to work full time, still be poor (maybe slightly better off but not much after I’ve paid for childcare), keep the career alive but never see the boy.  Some days I want one and other days I want the other.  Why can’t I just make a decision and stick to it?!  Whichever one I choose, the money doesn’t really change. 
Is it because I don’t feel important as a mother?  Society places such value on the role you do.  When you say “I’m a mother or I work part-time”, you see people’s eyes glaze over and stifle a yawn, assuming that what you do is boring and un-interesting. 
It doesn’t help that childcare in the UK is some of the most expensive in the world and the maternity benefits are pretty poor too in comparison.  It seems to me other countries value their mothers and women more.  The argument of ‘why should I pay taxes so you can stay home to look after your brats’ just reinforces that mothers who stay at home to bring up their children aren’t seen as playing an important role or even working.  The words ‘stay at home’ do the same – I don’t stay at home.  I go to toddler groups or toddler yoga or I do the shopping, or cleaning or play-dates.  I see part of my role as a mother as a job.  I don’t particularly want to go and sit in a room with other Mum’s I don’t know, but it’s part of my job and like most people’s jobs there are things we like doing and things we don’t.  Just because there are more elements to my ‘job’ that are enjoyable doesn’t mean it’s not hard or not valuable.  Perhaps if I felt the role I was performing was important I wouldn’t feel so conflicted.
I am impatient and I like being in control.  In my head I say to myself “get your kids out of the way and then once you’re at school you can re-start your career”  “Your kids are only young once, you’re going to be working for years and years.”  And I know this makes sense.  BUT....I’m scared.  I see women who are so young and have achieved so much.  What have I achieved?  See, there I go again selling my role as a mother short, I have achieved raising (so far) a beautiful, well-behaved, happy little boy.  I do have a career – even if it is momentarily paused, a home, friends and family.  So why do I feel that something is missing or wrong.  I’m scared that if I leave it too long I will be left on the shelf.  I’ll be too old and I’ll have missed all the opportunities my young counter-parts will have already had.  I want everything now! 
My name this blog is ‘Juggler’, but not the normal way you’d assume a mother is a juggler, it’s juggling my own thoughts, needs and fears and perhaps I really could do with dropping some of them.

1 comment:

  1. This is such a good post and raises points valid to so many mums. You've written it really well, very thought provoking x

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